Screwed, the Card Game
February 27, 2005
Once upon a time (Christmas-ish), in a land far, far away (Bavaria), Mr. Marsters and I decided to invent a card game. Our criteria were simple: it had to be a group game, fast paced (without being a “reflex” game), easy to learn, and .. well .. somewhat malicious. In a fun way, of course.
Get rid of all your cards!
Grab a deck (or two) of normal playing cards, and strip out the Jokers. Shuffle ‘em, and deal out the entire deck equally around the playing table, face down so the players can’t see ‘em. If there are any spare cards, place them face up in a stack in the middle; this is the discard pile.
Playing a Hand
The player left of the dealer takes a card from the top of their pile, and places it face up in the middle of the table. This card is now in play. If the card doesn’t win the hand (don’t worry, I’ll get to that below), the next player to the left repeats the same motion, taking a card from the top of their hand, and putting it next to the other card(s) in play.
Winning a Hand
You remember your poker hands, right? We’re using something similar in Screwed. To win the hand, the card you put in play must complete one of the following:
- Two of a kind (two matching face values, for example, a pair of Eights)
- Straights (three cards with sequential face values, for example, King, Queen, Ace)
- Flushes (three cards with matching suits, for example, Two of Hearts, King of Hearts, Nine of Hearts)
Any of the cards in play count towards the hand, as does the card face up on the top of the discard pile.
What happens when you win a hand … ?
Screw Your Friends
The winner decides who gets to pick up all of the cards in play, excluding the discard pile. As a consolation prize, the screwee gets to discard one card, face up, to the discard pile. The game resumes normal play with the player to the left of the screwee takes a card from their pile to start a new hand in play.
But Wait! There’s More!
These extra rules are optional, but they add a bit more excitement to the game:
- The Spade Bonus — If you win a hand by completing a Spade Flush, you not only get to screw a friend with the cards in play, but you also get to discard the same number of cards from your personal pile. For example, if five cards are in play and you complete a spade flush, you can hand those five cards to anyone you like, and discard five cards from your pile!
- The Bitch Queen — The ultimate screw! If the Queen of Spades is played during a hand, the winner decides who takes all the cards from that hand, and all of the cards in the discard pile. The hand doesn’t have to be won with the Queen of Spades — it just has to be on the table.
So, that’s Screwed. Enjoy it!